It’s been 25 days since I left Egypt.
It’s been 25 days since I left him.
It’s been 25 days and not a day goes by that I don’t think of Egypt or him.
I had planned to write a few more post on Egypt like about my favorite bar in Cairo or the most amazing week of my life in Dahab with him or just how we did nothing together the last week we were together, but I just can’t. It’s been hard for me and writing about it will just make it harder. I’ve actually been avoiding my blog to avoid writing this. I feel like my journey in Egypt deserves a proper goodbye. I think the best way to do it is by sharing what I wrote in my personal journal the day I left and few other thoughts I’ve been thinking recently.
~The two of us holding hands on the beach of Dahab!~
“Ahhh where do I even begin? Today has been one of the craziest days of my life and by crazy I mean an emotional mess. This morning I did one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I walked away from love. I know I had made up my mind weeks ago, but actually doing it this morning was hard. We spent most of last night laying in bed talking about us and trying hard no to cry, but we cried… cried… and cried while just holding each other. We finally fell asleep then woke up made love one last time and then got ready to say our final goodbye. We said our goodbyes gave each other one last kiss then I got a cab.
On the way to the airport at 7am I just kept seeing the Cairo I love, but so empty without the hustle & bustle that makes it one of the most amazing cities in the world. When I arrived at the airport I knew something was wrong. So many cars were parked outside the airport and then my cab driver got out handed me my bag and said something in Arabic so I paid then he left. I was dropped off outside of the airport and had to walk all the way to my terminal in the morning heat. When I arrived drenched in sweat with hundreds of other people sitting around and then tons at the desk yelling. I bumped into an Egyptian man who spoke English who was also on my flight so we buddy-ed up. Apparently all the workers of Egypt Air were on strike demanding better pay. I sat there worried about my flight as I watched the clock tick away. 9:45am came and went. We all just sat there waiting and the entire time I kept thinking “maybe this is a sign… maybe I shouldn’t leave Egypt” and as we continued to wait there and over the course of the day we heard 8 fights break out at the Egypt Air offices. Over 12 hours later we were finally on the plane and ready to leave to Istanbul.
Fuck I’m sitting here about to cry… I just want to leave Cairo. This seriously just hurts me so much and this fucking strike didn’t help at all. I can’t stop thinking about him… his laugh… his smile… his lips… his everything. I’m going to miss him so much. I thought at this time I’d be in Istanbul already crying myself to sleep in a dorm; instead I’m here in seat 22B holding my tears back because everyone is wide awake and the cabin lights are still on. I’m just ready for this plane to take off because once it does I will feel relieved and feel that my time in Egypt has officially come to an end. I think that’s when the tears will really roll, because at that time I know I will be leaving a piece of my heart behind.
Well we are taking off and this means a new chapter in this crazy journey around the world is beginning. I know it will be tough but it’s what I wanted. So here I go back on the road again.”
~Ancient Egyptian reliefs of two men holding hands.~
I spent almost 5 months in Egypt
I spent almost 5 months with him.
I can sit here and reminisce about everything I was able to do and whiteness in Egypt, but I won’t. I’ve written enough about Egypt for y’all to know how much I love it. I don’t even know what I want to say… I mean it’s times like this that I wonder if the life I am living is even really a life? Yes I am seeing the world and it’s afuckingmazing, but really what am I accomplishing? It’s a life full of goodbyes. I’ve always wanted to travel the world and I am doing it, but I have also always wanted to find love. Now that I found it I walked away… I feel like a part of me is scared to let love conquer my heart. Now I’m traveling the world with a broken heart (that I broke myself) and it’s a fucking bitch. The reality of all this is that it’s all in my control… if I wanna go back I can go back at anytime, but for now I’m being stubborn and want to see more of the world like I planned and eventually make my way home (I miss it so much). Anyway now I’m just fucking rambling.
~My last sunset in Cairo with his hands making a heart.~
The truth is words cannot describe how I feel about my time in Egypt or with him. They say a place is not about the place you visit, but about the people you meet when you are in that place and for me Egypt will always be him. I know I’m the fool for walking away, and the other truth that I didn’t want to admit to myself is that I don’t know if I made the right choice. I know it’s cliché, but only time will tell and only time will heal this broken heart I gave myself. For now I know that I have left and have no clue when or if I will ever go back and that they both hold a very special place in my heart, but I must carry on. The memories will never fade… I will always love him & Egypt.