Goodbye… a word that when I backpacked around the world become all too common in my vocabulary. Saying goodbye was something that with time I got used to saying, because the circumstances backpacking the world put me in. I met people from all over the world and knew that at some point I would have to say goodbye to them. Some were people I met for a moment in time and others are people I spent days or even weeks with traveling together around different cities and sometimes even countries. Some of the people I met I knew I would probably never talk to again, but some I knew we had something special and would stay in touch down the road.
—Our shadows at the Pyramid of Meidum.—
The truth is though I never thought I’d be saying goodbye to someone I fell in love with twice. I said goodbye to him once before when I left Egypt to finish my travels in Southeast Asia, but my love for him made me come back to Cairo and I’ll never regret doing so. We spent 2 amazing months living together in our very own apartment in Cairo. Those two months also happened to be the last 2 months of my trip around the world. During those two months though we were honest with each other like we have always been and found that even though we love each other so much the desires we have in life are not the same and the circumstances in which we are in make it very difficult to be together. With that being said we knew that when I left Cairo we would be ending our relationship. Once again I was living a love story with an expiration date. The day we had be dreading did come and after 13 months of being together we said goodbye, but this time it was different because we knew it was the last goodbye.
It was the last goodbye of my 2 years on the road and it’s the one goodbye that keeps replaying in my head over and over again. I’ll never forget the moment I said goodbye to him and left in the cab to the airport. It’s the goodbye that’s causing me so much pain and it’s pain I feel like I can’t express with anyone. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of him or wonder if we made the right decision. To me he was the most amazing man I have ever met in my life. I loved his smile, his eyes, his laugh. I also loved the way he touched me, he talked to me, the way he understood me and always knew the right thing to say for everything. The one thing I hated was that I trusted him 100% and that not once did I ever doubt anything he said. That is something I had never experienced before and it scared the hell out of me. I mean really it’s fucking scary when you trust someone 100% right… or is it just me? In my eyes he is perfect and can do no wrong and even today I feel that. I can go on and on about all the things I love about him, because the list would never end.
The reality that I am facing now is that I am home and not only dealing with reverse culture shock (more on that in another post), but with a broken heart aswell. What is worse is that it was mutual agreement to break up and niether of us is at fault. I’m only human and you know we naturally feel the need to blame someone when something goes wrong, but I have no one to blame, not even myself. I’m trying to take it a day at a time, but it hasn’t been easy. He was the one constant through out 13 months of my travels and we talked just about every day no matter what and still do even though we know it’s not good for us. We know we were never friends and went right at it, but he has been like my best friend and now that we are not together any more I still love him and want his friendship.
Even though we stay in touch he is now a part of my past that is a memory like the million other memories I made on my journey around the world. It is a memory that I can not reminisce with anyone at home because no one was there to live it with me. It is a memory that is intangible and for ever a fragment in my mind. I remind myself that I am a big believer in “everything happens for a reason” . It’s a belief I am struggling with now, but in the end know that I have no clue what the future holds for me so will take it a day at a time like I have been doing.
As I finish writing this in my bedroom in tears I don’t know how to end this post. I guess I should end it by letting you know that this is the last time I will write about my relationship with him and that I left a piece of my heart in Egypt. A country I adore and love and know one day I will go back and see more of and wish it all the best as it struggles through yet another revolution. I also want to let you know the reason I never said his name or put a photo of us together on my blog was because he asked me not to for concerns of his safety in Egypt. Egypt is a conservative country and even though homosexuality is not a crime by law it is still seen that way by the people that enforce it and could cause trouble if this were found by the wrong people. That is why I have had to get creative with the photos I use when I write about him.
The good thing is even though I know he was the last goodbye I know he is a person I will stay in touch with down the road because we had something special.
The story from the start: