It’s about 3am on Monday, July 23, 2012 and I’m holding my tears back. I wanna cry… I wanna scream… I wanna run, I actually don’t know what I wanna do. I have so much on my mind and normally would be drinking a beer right about now, but because I am participating in Ramadan with my boyfriend I can not drink any liquor for 30 days. Ahh anyway I have already cried quite a bit for making the decision I have made, but now it’s real. A few weeks ago I finally made the decision that I was not going to be staying in Egypt. It was one of the hardest decisions I think I have ever made in my life. I know that sounds dramatic, but I mean it. I have never felt so torn between two loves in my life. I am torn between the man I love and the traveling I love to do. I had been putting off purchasing my ticket out of Egypt because I didn’t want to make it real. Well I just purchased it a few minutes ago and it’s now real.
—A photo he took of me while I was lost in a daze… looking out watching the sunset over Cairo.—
Sometimes I hate being so honest on my blog, because now I feel like I must explain to everyone my decision. If you have been following along you know I met my boyfriend on the very 1st night I arrived in Egypt back in January. He took me on an amazing date through Cairo. We then spent every minute we could with each other and ended up falling in love. We said goodbye briefly as I spent 3 months in India and that was so fucking hard, but managed to stay in touch as much as we could. While I was in India… I felt so lost about life, because I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do. One minute I wanted to stay and live in Egypt forever the other I didn’t. While I was in India I even applied for a job in Cairo. I was a nut case until I finally decided to just let things be and see how I’d feel when I got back to Egypt.
—The sunset over Cairo I was watching.—
I have now been back in Egypt for over 7 weeks and it’s been amazing. We are living together and I have been able to spend a lot of time with him. I was even able to witness history first hand in Egypt by going with him to vote for the first ever free Presidential elections. Then a week later I was able to go with him to Tahrir Sq. after the historical announcement of Egypt’s new president. Recently we have been playing tourist in Cairo and visiting many things I didn’t see the first time I was here and well some again like the Great Pyramids of Giza. Everything has been great… we have laughed, we have cried, we have argued, we have loved we have done everything any normal couple in love would do, but I had to be honest with him and myself. Settling down is not what I want to do right now.
—Never thought I’d kiss a man infront of the Pyramids of Giza, but did when we spent the day there.—
Staying with him would mean I would have to stay in Egypt. He still has two more years of University he must finish and then one year of military he must do. That is about 3 more years before he can even think about going anywhere. That doesn’t even account for how it would be for him to try and leave Egypt. I’m getting ahead of myself again… like I always do when I have a million thoughts running through my mind. I have talked to him and have always been honest with him. We both knew this day would eventually come. I’ve cried in his arms and he has told me it’s going to be okay. He has told me to not worry that we should enjoy every minute we have together and make the most of it.
—I wrote this on a dusty car window one night while we were roaming the streets of Cairo.—
The truth is meeting him was one of the most amazing things that has ever happened to me. With him I feel safe, I feel happy, I can be myself, and what’s scarier is I trust him 100%. Some of the most amazing moments in my life have been with him and he has taught me more about myself than anyone else. I love him, I love Egypt and know I could live here, but it’s not what I want. That was a hard conclusion to come to, but I cannot lie to him or myself. For once I’m living life on my terms and living a dream of mine. I’m not ready to give it up just yet. I know I want to finish the rest of this trip, go home for a bit spend time with friends and family while working to save for my next adventure. I also know I don’t want a long distance relationship. I feel like I’m being selfish, but at the same time know I am not because I am being honest with him and myself. What scares me the most is that he is going to hate me after I leave and even though I have asked him a million times this question he keeps telling me he’s not. I think in the end I may hate myself for walking away from someone so amazing that I truly love, but only time will tell.
You know we grow up watching love stories and they always make it seem so simple… boy meets boy, boy falls in love with boy and boy and boy live happily ever after (growing up I just made all love stories into gay stories so I could relate), but in reality that’s not always the case. For now we both know we are living a love story with an expiration date; that expiration date is September 7, 2012. On that date I will be flying back to Istanbul for 10 days before FINALLY getting to South East Asia on September 17, 2012 and starting the 4th and final leg of this adventure I am on. So for now we are going to make the most of every minute we spend together and not fret because even after I leave who knows what the future holds for either of us. Plus like Alfred Tennyson said,
“-‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”
I know my boyfriend understands why I am doing what I am doing and why I have made the decision I have made. I share just about everything that happens in my life on this blog and will continue to do so even when it’s hard for me to share (like this). I know a lot of you have been following this “love story” and were rooting for us and hope y’all don’t hate me for making the decision I have made. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry, but I know I am doing what is right for me.