It’s about 1am and I can’t sleep. I’m currently writing this in my bedroom at my host mother’s house. I am in Setrawa Village in the middle of the desert in India. It’s a tiny town with a population of (about) 3000 & where animals (cows, goats, peacocks, etc…) roam the desert sand streets freely. I’m here volunteering & well I will tell you more about that later. That is not what this post is about.
Look at the ticker on the right… it’s been 400 days since I left home. Wow… just wow, that is a long time & to tell you the truth I don’t even know if I ever wanna go home. I know I mentioned I couldn’t do this forever-on day 300, but the truth is maybe I could… I mean I really love this. Okay wait a minute let me start over again because that is not even what I want to talk about either.
The truth is the title to this post was going to be “400 days into my “BREAKAWAY” & this is what is in my backpack.” I know boring, but after my 1 year post I got several email’s from people wanting to know what was in my backpack after a year on the road & well I have the photos edited and a post semi ready to post, but lately I have had something else on my mind. I told myself I didn’t want to write a long thoughtful post for my 400 days because I had just written a long ass post for my one year on the road and if well you do the math that is at 366 days (thanks to leap year) and well 400 is only 34 days later. So here I go this is what has been on my mind lately & I will try and keep it short.
Yup “I am… lost in life”. I wrote this during one of my classes in Setrawa as the kids were taking a test. So yes I feel so fucking lost in life. I know what you are thinking… Huh? How? What? But you are happy? Yes I am so happy with life… and how everything is going in my life, but I feel more lost than I think I have ever felt in my life. Even more so than when I got arrested for drinking & driving. The thing is for some reason like most human beings I can’t stop thinking about the future. Thinking about the future will do this to you… sometimes I wish we couldn’t think but a day or two ahead, but sadly we can think a year or even a decade ahead & it does more harm sometimes than good. I doubt this post will even make sense, but I am going to go on with my thoughts so please bare with me. Oh & no I am not drunk… I actually haven’t had much beer so far this year… I plan on making up for that once I get to South East Asia (if I ever get there).
Okay back to my post, so yes I am lost and the reason why is because I have no clue what I want to do with my life (Does anyone?). I thought I used to know what I wanted to do, but now I don’t know. You see this thing called LOVE happened and the truth is it has changed everything. Right now I am in India and will be for 2 more months before going back to Egypt for who knows how long. See when I set off on this trip… I joked and joked with everyone about maybe finding my prince charming (you know that Eat, Pray, Love shit) & well now I have found him… and a part of me has no clue what to do now.
You see a part of me wants to stay there with him in Cairo, but then a part of me knows I don’t want to stay in Cairo. A part of me knows I want to finish the rest of this trip go home and save for the many other adventures I want to do in my life. I want to live and work in Australia for a year. I want to backpack around South America for a year. I want to go from Cape Town to Cairo overland. This trip has given me a taste of freedom and I love it. It has also made me realize how strong I really am and that if I set my mind to it I can make anything happen.
I know I should live in the “present”. I know I should just wait until I get back to Egypt to see how things are/go. I know he tells me to stop thinking about everything. I know he tells me their is nothing we can’t overcome together. I know he reads my blog. I know he hates my blog (because I am too personal and some things shouldn’t be shared… I understand, but this is my baby too and love it just as much). I know he loves me. I know I love him.
What I don’t know is what I want to do with my life and I can’t help thinking about it.