Feb
17

I went for a walk today and this happened.

The last few days I have been in a funk… like a bad funk. A fuck where I don’t wanna do anything and my mind just doesn’t stop thinking about a million things going on in my life. I was doing fine for a while, but then all hell just broke loose and I can’t control my mind. I was keeping busy by finally putting together a book with all my photos in it. That kept me busy until I finished organizing the photos and making the cover. Now the only thing left is for me to write the 3 page introduction I’d like to make for it, but can’t. My mind just doesn’t want to write right now. So anyway I put the book making aside for a bit and just indulged in watching more of the TV shows I have on DVD that I want to watch one last time before I get rid of more of them. If you follow me on Twitter you must think I am bipolar… I go from one extreme to another in a short period of time. I can’t help it… it’s my mind lol.

Okay so now you’re probably wondering what is really going on. So what is really going on is that I never stopped talking to him. We talk just about every day and even though it’s about to be a year that we have not been together it’s like we have never been apart and still are there for each other day in & day out. It’s all crazy really… and I wish I could say more, but won’t. Our situation is a fucked up mess and I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about it and when I do it’s pointless because they don’t understand. They don’t understand what it’s like to be in love with someone in another country who may never be able to leave and is at the brink of further chaos and maybe even a civil war if things don’t change soon. I’ve cried a lot the last few days… many of the times I cry it’s just out of the blue it just happens like today at work. I have no control over it.

Blackhawk Park, Houston“This park is across the street from where I live. Can you spot the airplane?”

Ahhh so I thought maybe if I got home and went to the park for a walk I could clear my mind. So I grabbed my iPod went & well instead this happened:

“Why are we here?”

“HOLY SHIT I am about to be 28 in exactly one week.”

“Crap I am now going to be closer to 30.”

“Where has my life gone?”

“Was it a dream?”

“Did I ever really leave home?”

“I’m happy & miserable at the same time… how is that fucking possible?”

“What am I doing with my life?”

“Will Palestine ever be free?”

“When will things get better in Egypt?”

“OMG he is so cute. Ahh yes soccer players are so sexy!”

“Why do we fall in love?”

“Why do we allow governments to run the world?”

“I know life isn’t fair, but all I want is to be with him?”

“Why can’t we just be together?”

“Why is it nearly impossible for him to get a passport?”

“It’s like he is a prisoner in his own country.”

“Why do people think wanting a simple life is a bad thing?”

“Maybe life isn’t an illusion, but love is the illusion?”

“Why can’t two people who love each other be with each other?”

“I know he’s my soul mate.”

“I miss his lips… I miss his touch.”

“Why do we have borders anyway?”

“Why can’t we just all roam freely?”

“Why can’t life be a Disney movie?”

“I don’t want anyone else… I just want him?”

“I hate that I can’t talk about how I feel with my friends, because I feel like no one understands me.”

“When will Kelly Clarkson release a new album?”

“During my next RTW I am going to spend more time offline.”

“Maybe I should just go home and take a nap.”

“I still wish Kelly Clarkson would read my blog.”

“OMG A BUNNY!!!”

“Wow it’s actually nice to come outside every once in a while.”

“I’m about to be 30… I have no car, no house, no cell phone. OMG WTF?”

“Seriously if someone had access to my mind they would think I’m a fucking nut case.”

“In less than 2 weeks I will have been home for a year now.”

“Oh fuck I need to start thinking about what I will write for my 1 year at home post.”

“I feel like I have done nothing since I got back home.”

“I can’t wait to leave again in July!!!”

“I have saved money & have helped others breakaway too.”

9 Crimes by Damien Rice is a brilliant fucking song.”

“I don’t know what I wanna do with my life? It’s like I know, but don’t know.”

“Does anyone know what they are doing in life or with it?”

“Sometimes I think every one is just as fucked up as I am, but no one talks about it.”

“Maybe people should be more honest.”

“No maybe not, some people can’t handle the truth.”

“Ugh it sucks living so close to an airport. I see planes taking off all the time and I’m not on any of them.”

“Why do we feel the need to fall in love and share our lives with someone else?”

“Who invented love?”

“OMG THAT IS A HUGE ANT HILL.”

“I wonder what ants think about what is happening in my life?”

“I wonder what ants think about in the world they live in.”

“Do you think ants care about war?”

“Maybe life would be easier as an ant…”

“Why is Egypt on the other side of the world?”

“Am I just wasting time in between my trips?”

“I wish it was safe to go back to Cairo.”

“What if I break?”

“What if I never find a home?”

“I’m just one in 7 billion on this crazy planet we call Earth.”

“How do airplanes fly?”

“How did I end up longing to see the world?”

“Why do I love depressing music?”

“We love each other and can’t be together?”

“It sucks that some people think I’m a horrible person for loving another man.”

“How are so many people against love?”

“Oh wow I’ve been walking for an hour and I haven’t died yet.”

“Okay that’s enough it’s dark and I have walked enough for like a whole year.”

“Wow I am actually sweating.”

Yeah that happened. I know a crazy fucked up mess. It’s just been tough… it’s like things are great for me. I have a great job, I am on track on my savings and know I will be back on the road soon, but my situation with him is what’s killing me. Anyway just thought I’d share because for me sometimes just sharing my thoughts and what I am going through helps me to just let it go! Have any of you had moments like this? Just moments where you have no clue what you are doing in life?

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Comments

  1. Oh, Jaime, I know it’s hard as hell. I know a little of what you are going through because I am in a same- sex relationship with a Brazilian man. I knew I had no choice but to be with him, so I did everything I could to get a Brazilian permanent visa. Luckily, the Brazilian government allows same- sex couples to be together. In Brazil,if you can prove a “stable union” you can be together. It was a HUGE financial sacrifice to come here. It was lots of sacrifices, really. But for me there is no other way. Now we are saving money like crazy and still constantly gathering documents that prove a continuing relationship because someday we want to move to the States. And I damn well know the US government is going to make us jump through hurdles to be together….but it’s like right now we are training for them. Saving money, opening joint accounts, anything that proves our relationship.

    Here’s where I tread on your privacy and ask you if you truly envision yourself building a life with your man in Egypt. If you do, you will need a lot of money. You will need to be willing to give up a lot if your travel dreams ( I know I had to). You will need to constantly research ways that you can be together. (For example, I think you are also a Mexican citizen– does Mexico have a liberal same- sex immigration policy?)You will need to start gathering documents if you ever hope to bring him to the USA. You will need to face the risk of danger if you choose to live in Egypt with him. I know this is none of my business. But I am writing like this because I know you are going to get comments like ” if you are meant to be together, you will be together.” Well, that is all nice and sweet, but people in our types of relationships have to work hard as hell to be together. We can’t rely on fate. Fate doesn’t get us over the hurdles. Good luck and stay strong.

    • Jaime Davila says:

      Ay David, for some reason when I write crazy personal post about what is going on with him, I look forward to hearing from you. Thank you so much for the comment. I know my situation is very similar to yours. Your comments are always in the back of my mind because you are so realistic and giving me honest advice you have taken yourself. The good thing is you can now come to the USA. They now are allowing same-sex couples the same rights as opposite-sex couples. I actually did some research on it a while back and yes it’s a lot of hurdles to be together here. Right now our biggest problem is that it’s nearly impossible for him to get a passport. Like seriously he must finish school and be done with his military service requirement of about 2 years. I try not to talk about it with him anymore because I know it’s out of his control and me asking him about it just makes things worse. As for building a life in Egypt I know for sure I could handle living there a few years, but not forever. The horrible thing is that right now it’s not safe to go back to live there and he won’t let me. It’s just not safe at all right now. Cairo has changed so much since when I left a year ago. Sadly it’s all got worse and the situation is escalating to get worse with time. I hope that things settle down soon, but don’t see it happening any time soon. As for documents showing we have been together we have none. I have this blog… I have photos, but know they won’t be enough. It’s all a mess and I’m seriously just trying to let things be. I know it’s cliche, but right now so much is out of our control. I’m planning to just travel a bit more when I leave in July and hope that in a year things will have calmed down in Cairo so that I can at least go and live with him. If in the end it means I spend the rest of my life in Egypt then I just may do that. I love that country and trust me I wouldn’t mind living outside of the city and in the Sahara or by the Red Sea…lol. Sorry trying to just add some humor so I don’t get all sad and start crying at my desk here at work. Thanks so much for being honest with me and reminding me that for us it’s like a million times harder and it’s just a fact. Sadly it’s a fact most people don’t understand either. I will stay strong. Oh & I plan on going to Brazil when I do I am visiting y’all for sure!!!

  2. Thank you so much for this post! I love everything you write, but it’s so comforting to hear about your struggles and challenges sometimes and not just all of the amazing adventures you’re having. I’m also confused as to where the hell I am in life and how I can feel happy one minute and utterly lonely and confused the next. I’ve escaped the US and just moved to Central America and see that oh shit my problems are not automatically fixed, and that blows. But it’s nice to not feel quite as alone – I think you’re right that most people feel this way but few are brave enough to post it. Your honesty is what makes you so damn awesome.

    As for the boy situation, there are very few people who could actually understand your situation and your suffering, so I can imagine how difficult it is for you to feel stuck and like no one gets it, because you’re right that almost no one does. But it seems like you’re adored by many so I hope that you can lean on friends who wont necessarily get it, but will empathize and support you the best they can. You and the man you love deserve happiness and stability and its fucked up that the world is making that impossible right now. And in no way is it as simple as “love conquers all!” but what the two of you share is extremely strong and that has to count for something.

    • Jaime Davila says:

      Yes Valentina, I like to share it all because no ones life is all cupcakes and rainbows. I know everyone has their demons and situations they are dealing with but no one likes talking about them. I often think if more people were honest with how they really feel we would all feel better. I mean in the end it’s okay to feel like this. It’s life… it means we are living. If we have no pain and suffering what’s the purpose of it all anyway? So I am sorry you are going through similar feelings… well the feeling of being happy and yet miserable the next. I seriously question that all the time, because it’s something I will never comprehend. As for leaving and hoping your problems don’t come along oh I know all about that and it’s true they don’t. My biggest problem is being in love with him and that’s the hardest part of it all and has been at me since the day I left Egypt. Anyway I’m happy to hear you are in Central America though. Where in Central America are you at? Oh I hope you are in Nicaragua. I so wanna go back one day I loved it there. Thanks for the support and it is comforting to know I have the support of so many people who have followed my life along the last few years. I hope it all works out in the end, but we will wait and see what we make happen, because I am no fool and know only we can make things happen in our lives. Things don’t just magically happen.

  3. Hey Jaime, Sounds like it hasn’t been easy. I wasn’t going to comment but then I saw you mention 9 Crimes and I agree: it’s a beautiful song.

    It’s a lot of crappy questions that you have to ask :( I can sort-of relate as my boyfriend and I come from different countries and different economic situations….and borders/visas/passports are a big issue for us (and it’s about to get even more challenging). It sucks that we have to worry about these kinds of things when it comes to love. Anyways: just wanted to let you know you’re not alone with a lot of these thoughts….
    Adam recently posted..Sunny Seville… My Instagram Travel Diary

    • Jaime Davila says:

      Adam, so glad someone agrees with me about 9 Crimes… omg it’s so damn good. Well Damien Rice is just brilliant over all. Wish he would release a new album because it’s been a while. I am happy David Gray will be releasing one soon he’s another big love of mine!!! So anyway back to our situation… I’m sorry you can relate because it’s not easy. It’s comforting to know others know what I am going through and that I’m not alone, but then wonder why? Like why does it even have to be like this? Why can’t it be easier for us to just be with the person we want to be with? Thanks for the comment I miss ya & hope all is well in Berlin!!!

      • Actually 9 Crimes is what got me to comment as well!

        It’s not that I wouldn’t want to comment otherwise, it’s just that I’m afraid I don’t have much to say to help.
        I’m so lucking to have found someone I love who, at the time, lived 30 kilometers away from me. A luxury, and I know it.

        I don’t want to go all “If it’s meant to be, it’ll be” on you. Just want you to know that I feel for you. I don’t know if that’s the right expression, but I hope you get it.
        The situation is just not right.

        All the support,
        Sofie
        Sofie recently posted..Casa Batlló: one of Gaudí’s architectural highlights

        • Jaime Davila says:

          Sofie, I had no clue people actually knew that song. Thought Damien Rice was just mine jajaja. I love his music. It’s okay if you don’t have much to say I know what you mean and I appreciate the support.

  4. Nice post always. Some of the stuff I can relate too as well. Especially when I commute to work through the city in the morning, feel like a corporate Slave walking with all th other zombies going to somewhere nobody really wants to go to. Life was so much easier and more enjoyable on the road. Ahhhh

    • Jaime Davila says:

      Domenic, yes a “corporate slave” is how I feel going into work in the mornings. Thankfully I actually love my job right now. I agree life is so much easier on the road it’s just you are so free to do and be and live. I will be back soon and I hope you are too.

  5. I don’t think you’re crazy or fucked up at all – I think it’s perfectly normal to go through phases like this. I have to say though that I’ve often though borders are a little crazy – the world would be a much better place if everyone could do where they wanted when they wanted, not having to deal with immigration control and visas!
    Catherine recently posted..Southeast Asia Bucket List

    • Jaime Davila says:

      Thanks Catherine for reassuring me that I am not fucked up lol!!! I so wish we lived in a world with out borders. I mean just imagine that! Wow it would be so much better because honestly the majority of the world I think would be okay with just staying where they were born. That is what happens anyway.

  6. Jaime, I feel like I know you and I’ve never even met you! (yet lol) I am not going to patronise you and say that I know what you’re going through because I don’t, however just like some of the other commenters I am in a relationship with someone from another country and despite us being a heterosexual couple and coming from developed country, you wouldn’t believe how difficult it is to make decisions about where to live, let alone the cost of visas, paperwork and possible border issues every time we visit one another’s country. Whenever we fall in love with someone who doesn’t live in our country, it’s hard, but your situation is one of the hardest by far. Just in response to what David said above about documentation – I know you said you have none, but do you have text messages / G-chats / Skype logs / emails? I assume so. These all count as proof of a relationship, along with photos. It may not be all you need, but it’s a start. Make sure you keep them all, or print them off, because you never know if/when you may need them in the future.
    I also laughed when you said that you don’t have a phone / car / house and that people would think you’re crazy at 28. Erm, Scott and I have no car, no TV and no cell phone. And we’re in the States right now. And we’re 30 and 36!! LOL. People think we’re crazy but it’s so nice not having things that tie us down to contracts. We only have the Basset Hound to worry about ;)
    Julia recently posted..Review: Citymapper App for London Travellers

    • Jaime Davila says:

      Julia, seriously you don’t know how happy it makes me when I hear someone tell me that they feel like they know me even though they have never actually met me. This is me… how I am on this blog & Twitter is how I am in real life and I’m glad people can feel that. That’s what I want… I want people to know I am human just like them and have a million things going on in my life too. Most people assume because we have our shit together and go out and travel the world we have like no other problems… ummm yeah we all do jajaja! I am happy I don’t have many and thats cus I just am able to let go of things and let things be but not all (obviously). Sorry for that back to your comment. So ugh I know it’s not easy for heterosexual couples either, but I guess I see my brother who married a Mexican and how they have been living here and have a fmaily now and I know I don’t see behind the scenes, but it looks so simple. Like ahh I want that one day too. I want it to be that simple? I don’t even think that makes sense. Thanks for the tips on the documentation I will get start printing things more because we seriously have like not stopped talking since the day we met. It’s insane really jaja.

      As for not having a phone/car/house omg it’s like the best!!! I mean we don’t have those things by choice so I don’t feel bad but then sometimes I freak out and I’m like am I doing the right thing? You know cus we are conditioned to believe we MUST have all those tings to be happy… & well I am happy with out them. Glad we are crazy together!!! Ahhh I hope our paths cross one day. I can’t wait to meet y’all.

  7. I love you Jaime. I hate that you’re going through this. You’re right when you say most people in your life don’t understand what you’re going through, because how many people do you know who have fallen in love with someone who lives in a country experiencing such turmoil, making it near impossible to be together? The odds are microscopic. But it doesn’t mean your friends don’t care, they do care about you, even if all they can do is listen and give you a shoulder (virtual or real) to cry on. I really hope that in some way you can find a way to be together. Like David and Julia said in their comments, keep ALL documentation you can find, no matter how minor you might think it is. Even if you don’t see a clear solution now, you might a year from now, and having those records will help. If you are able to go back to Cairo and live with him in the future, would you be able to open a joint bank account and things like that? Ugh, I can’t imagine what you’re going through. Definitely interesting to read your train of thought in the middle there. It’s amazing where the mind wanders when you’re not distracted with a task or something. And yes, amazing song, love it.

    I wish I could give you a huge hug right now.
    Ali recently posted..How Much We Spent Living in Berlin

    • Jaime Davila says:

      Thanks Ali, I love you too and yeah I always wonder if anyone else is going through what I am going through. I know my friends care about me trust me since I have returned I have only been hanging out with few of of the MANY friends I had before I left. It’s like I cam back and found out who my true & real friends are. I love them dearly and I don’t blame them for not understanding me. I mean our lives are all just so different and I want different things for mine and so on. I respect them they respect me and I am always their for them. Anyway… I hope we are able to be togehter again, just have no clue when. I just wish things would calm down. I would love to I don’t open a B&B or a small hostel jaja. Ah I mean seriously the good thing is that I could easly go there and try to do something in tourism since it’s Egypt. I mean Egypt created tourism 1000s of years ago. Lord I talk a lot… but yes I will start printing documentation. I have many of our conversations saved. As for the bank account I have no clue. He barely opened his first bank account a few ago. So we will see what happens. Just want Egypt to get it’s shit together jaja!!!

  8. I can only imagine what it’s like for you to worry about your ex and Egypt’s instability. No one would blame you for your emotions swinging from one end of the pendulum to the other. I’m sorry that you’re having to go through something like this, and I really hope the tides change so not only is he in a safe and stable environment but you’re together eventually.

    In a way, I can relate to some of the things you’re feeling, especially about your racing thoughts that seem to be all over the place. There are two things that work for me that helps most of the time. 1) I write in a paper journal every day. If something is bothering me, I write it down…everything that I’m feeling and why I’m feeling it. Most of the time, when I’ve dumped it on paper, my mind clears. It’s better than holding it inside. 2) I mediate anywhere from 5-30 minutes every morning, as soon as I roll out of bed. The simple act of meditation helps me to relieve any anxiety I might have been feeling the previous day. It also serves as a way to clear the state of my mind so I can start the day off on the right foot. If I dealt with drama the previous day, meditation either helps me put it out of my mind or lessens the impact it has in my thoughts. It may be something worth trying for yourself to see if it helps.

    I don’t think you have crazy thoughts. Some of the things you wrote about, I have thought about as well. I don’t get why we have borders when once upon a time, humans could freely roam without a passport. I don’t understand why people make laws to govern people’s love lives or why you have to pay money to be born and to die. Nor do I understand why war exists or why it’s important that I must have a house, car, 2.5 children, and cell phone if I don’t want any of that.

    On a lighter note, I couldn’t help but find a couple of your thoughts funny. “OMG a bunny!” seriously made me laugh out loud.

    • Jaime Davila says:

      Thank you so much Summar for your kinds words. I hope things get better for Egypt too and we are eventually together as well. I like what you do when you going through similar racing thoughts. I have written in my journal sometimes when I just can’t stop thinking but not enough. I always forget to write… and when I do though Im like you I feel better. As for meditating I have NEVER tried it in my life. I am actually scared to do it. I am scared of my thoughts and of what would really happen. I am happy you have thought some of the similar thoughts I have had. I don’t feel so crazy any more. See if only people were more honest we’d see we are all going through similar situations.

  9. I literally don’t know what to say to this other than; we’re here for you hun. Whether you can or can’t talk about it, we’re reading and listening to your thoughts with you. Sometimes we just need to think ‘what.the.fuck’. Seriously – I spent about 10 days recently with every day going through the motions like you have been thinking ‘oh my god – I’m never going to be happy or have a ‘good life’.
    In those dark times there is, unfortunately, nothing anyone can say or do to make us feel any better because we’re too busy listening to our own thoughts so I’ll simply say:
    We’re here when you need us xx
    Toni recently posted..The very abrupt ending to my Australian adventure

    • Jaime Davila says:

      Thank you so much Toni. Sometimes that is all we need to hear that someone is there for us. You are so right though… nothing anyone can say or do can make us feel any better. Just wish we could look at that crystal ball and see what is in store for us down the road or how it will all end. But no then that would be boring…lol. I guess just have to go through the motions.

  10. Oh, this must be so hard for you. I had a 2.5 long-distance relationship myself, so I can understand a little what you are going through, although my situation was nowhere near as bad, as my loved-one didn’t live in a civil war ridden country. I don’t know what I can say to make you feel better, but often just talking about things really helps and eventually time will either heal your wounds or provide you with a solution when you least expect it. Until then, hang in there and don’t forget that your readers care about you!
    TammyOnTheMove recently posted..Happy Cow leather hip bag give-away

    • Jaime Davila says:

      Tammy long distance relationships are the worst & yet so amazing. The worst part of it all is we are NO LONGER TOGETHER. Like we broke up when I left, but we still talk all the time and is as if we never broke up. It’s so strange. For now just have to let things be and let time do it’s things. We’ll see what ends up happening.

  11. I can only say – life gets much better when you turn 30 :)

  12. Hi Jaime, I am a new reader and I just want to say that I really appreciate your honesty. It gets a bit tiring reading travel blogs where apparently life is so effortless and amazing when we are all just people who have good and bad days, whether we are travelling the world or staying put in one place. I need to do more of these types of posts on my own blog! I really hope it works out for you going to Egypt. When I visited Dahab in 2012 there was an Aussie girl working in the Hotel we stayed in, and she said that she didn’t need a work visa and that it was all pretty relaxed. Not sure if thats just Dahab but maybe you could try getting a job in a small Hotel? Good luck Jaime

    • Jaime Davila says:

      Thank you so much for the kind words Katie. I always make sure when I write it’s me coming through on the post regardless how I am feeling. I always say we are all human… we are all a mess so don’t be scared to share it when you are. I also hope it all works and I go back to Egypt. When I do finally go back I plan on finding some work for sure. No clue where or how, but I will and I’ve thought about working in a hotel too. Ahh I miss Dahab so much!!!

  13. butterfly says:

    Hi Jaime, Its been only a week I have been following your blog and have come to the conclusion that YOU HAVE FALLEN IN LOVE with the Egyptian. I once fell in love when I was 23 but I was such an irrational kid back then that I refused to be committed and wont believe in sharing.Back then I had thought I deserved better things in life and can putt back the most important emotional matter in life for a while. I was stupid. Now I am 40 I cant turn back the clock I cant fall in love again just because I want to.Falling in love is something that happens.I made mistakes and now I realize where it leads to.Jaime,you allowed everyone to know about what you are going through.You are different and thats fantastic. Just dont lose him otherwise you may never find someone like him again.Good luck.

    • Jaime Davila says:

      Oh wow… thanks for the comment butterfly. I know I honestly think about him every day and think about the decisions I am making every day as well. It’s not easy at all. I want to live my life and follow my dreams and see the world, but also be with him and live him and everything. for now though I know I am going to travel a bit more and then head back to Egypt. I pray that when I do go back it’s not too late and that we can make it work out. Only time will tell.

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