Time. What is time? We track time in seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades, and it just goes on. It’s a concept I sometimes don’t understand, because it scares me. I know the past is certain and will always be a specific amount of time filled with moments you can no longer change. The future; the future though is always unknown. I am petrified of the unknown, but it’s what allows us to dream and let our imagination thrive with all the possibilities we can attain in whatever time is left in our lives. It’s those dreams though that must be seized in the present. For me it all goes back to a saying as old as time, Carpe diem… “Seize the day”.
I did just that three years ago today on March 1, 2011 when I left home on a one-way ticket to San Jose, Costa Rica to travel the world for two years. Those two years flew by and were filled with countless moments in time I will forever cherish. Before I knew it though it was March 1, 2013 and I was back home and the life I knew for two years was no longer. All of a sudden the trip I had dreamed of for the majority of my life was over and part of my past. I was back in familiar places with familiar faces and time continued to tick away.
I have now been home exactly a year and it still feels like it was all a dream. Many nights before I go to sleep I lay there replaying the entire two years in my head or just moments that for some reason I want to relive. Isn’t it crazy that we have the capability to do that? Okay sorry I won’t go into that. I lay there and can’t believe it at all. I have to remind myself that it was a dream, but it was a dream I went out and fulfilled. It happened, I made it happen and now I know what I am capable of and what is out there.
The past year has been one of the hardest years of my life emotionally. Lord have I cried… and cried a lot. Most of the time tears have just come out of the blue and I can’t help it. Other times it’s because I am letting my mind go wild with a million thoughts and contemplating the hardest question in the world… What the hell I am doing with my life? Or I start thinking that… Maybe the best of all the years of my life have gone by. When in reality I know exactly what I am doing with my life, but at the same time have no damn clue. It’s like I am lost yet found and know I will not allow those two years be the best years of the rest of my life.
I know what I want from life. I know I want a simple life where I am living it on my terms and am happy. I have been doing that for the past three years and I know how to continue achieving that, but then I ask myself is that enough? I do not want a career, I do not want stuff, I do not want the life society has dictated us to live here in the United States. Not that their is anything wrong with that, but I doubt myself when others question me. I feel like no one at home really understands me and that makes it that much harder when I am thinking of my future.
What kills me the most though is that I know I want to continue traveling the world and will make it happen, but at the same time I want to run right back to Cairo to be with him. Yes it’s been a year too that I said goodbye to him. It’s been a year since we have last touched each other. It’s been a year since I have kissed his lips. It’s been a year since I have felt perfect in every aspect possible. Sometimes I hate him for accepting all my flaws and knowing I will never find a guy like him again. It’s been a year since… ahh fuck and now I am crying. I told myself to not write about him, because I knew I would start crying, but can’t help it. He was a huge part of those two years (13.5 months of it to be exact) and a huge part of this past year. Yes we continue to talk today (just about every day) and still want to be together, but can’t seem to figure it out. At the same time we’ve tried to let go and let it be what it was, but we really haven’t allowed that to happen either.
Gosh now it sounds like I am complaining a lot… I honestly am not. It is that you really deal with so many things when you get back home from travel. I wrote “The reality of coming home after you have traveled the world.” 6 months ago and still feel like that today. As I lay here in my room writing this I had no clue what I was going to write about tonight and this is what came out. I can honestly say I am happy, because even though I am home I have made the most of my time here. I have spent so much time with the people who matter to me most, my family and friends and love it. Another thing is that if things go as planned come July I will be back on the road. I plan on traveling more of Latin America spending 2-3 months in Mexico and then 6-9 months all over South America after that I have no clue what I will do. Of course this is just a plan, because at any point I could just fly right back to Cairo if things ever settle down there and be with him.
I guess what I’d like to say is that even though I have been home a year it still feels like it was all a dream and it’s crazy how time just never stops. I am now 28 and I love that I have learned some things are worth more than money. I love that I have the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees. I do not regret anything I have done in my life, but feel like I now count it in years from March 1, 2011, because the is when I truly started living life. I know I will be okay and that everything will fall into place how it’s meant to be. Of course I know I have to be the one to make the actions to make those things happen and I will do that. I know we have one life to live and that I will make the most of it. I will Carpe diem… “Seize the day” and hope y’all do too.