I have to be honest with you for a minute I was actually going to go home. I haven’t shared this with anyone and am now saying it out loud. I don’t know what was happening, but I was not happy. I was a bit depressed and just missing home a lot. I didn’t cry this time around like I did in Antwerp as I was trying to readjust to life on the road. This time around I was actually a bit tired of travel it self. I was about to hit the 7 months mark and just felt burnt out. I came to Morocco knowing it was going to be different, but I didn’t know it was going to work my nerves as much as it has.
My time in Chefchouen was nice and relaxing, but I was getting tired of actually doing something every day so did a whole lot of nothing. Then my 3 nights in Fez were jam packed with a lot of sight seeing, but was in a city I hated right of the back.
Now I was in Marrakech. MARRAKECH… one of the imperial cities of Morocco and a city immersed in so much history and culture. Yet I didn’t want to do anything. I opted for a very nice and expensive hostel that had a pool. I loved it and spent two days not doing much and just laying out next to the pool. The entire time though I was not happy my mind was at home. Literally I kept thinking about Houston… I kept thinking about my friends and family. I don’t know what was happening to me…
I think the reason I was thinking a lot about home was because one of my best friends birthday was coming up (the one that got married and I went home for) and I really wanted to be there. Also my nephews and sisters birthday were also coming up and I couldn’t stop thinking about them and how I was going to be missing their birthdays as well for the first time in a very long time.
I don’t want to sound like I am complaining, but for a while I was tired of sightseeing. It kind of felt like a chore for me and that is not how I want it to feel. Traveling is something I LOVE and enjoy so much. I have already told y’all that I still get scared all the time, but chug along anyway and continue. This time around I was really just not feeling it. I don’t know if it’s because I was truly burnt out or because I didn’t want to deal with crazy Moroccans at every corner as I wonder around?
I don’t even know how to explain what I was feeling… I mean really some of you must be reading this and thinking WHAT THE FUCK IS HIS PROBLEM… HE IS TRAVELLING THE WORLD & LIVING THE DREAM… WHY IS HE NOT HAPPY? Well to be honest it’s not easy being away from home for so long. I think I am realizing that I do not want to travel forever. I think I want to have a home. I think I want to be in a city I love (I fucking love Houston). I think I want to be a in a city where I have all my friends and can spend nights doing nothing with them or going out. I think I am finding out what I really want in life is a balance between a home and traveling.
To give myself a quick fix on missing home I spent one entire night on Skype. I called some of my friends & family and spent hours catching up and chatting. I did share my longing for home with them, but didn’t mention to them that I was actually thinking about coming home. I just didn’t think it was right for me to complain about what I am doing when I know they would love to be in my shoes. That is what makes it hard to be honest when you are not happy with traveling because it is something SO MANY PEOPLE would love to do and can’t. I know I worked hard to do what I am doing, so I think I have the right to not be happy sometimes. After all this isn’t a vacation its now my life. I know that at any moment I can pack up and leave if I want to, but I don’t think that moment is now.
After 2 days of doing nothing in Marrakech I met up with my 3 Spanish girls that I met in Fez. We had made plans in Fez to meet up here so we could plan our tour to the Sahara. I knew it was something I needed badly. I needed something so amazing to turn this minor travel burn out around. I spent one of the days with them sightseeing and also finding a good deal for our Sahara tour. We ended up finding a great deal booking the tour and well the rest was history. I have written an open letter to the Sahara that will be posted Tuesday. I don’t want to give anything away so I will leave it at that.
For now though I want you to be honest with me and just talk to me. I mean fuck I don’t even know what to ask y’all and I always ask questions at the end of my post. I just can’t believe that even though I love what I am doing I can still be unhappy (sometimes). I mean seriously HOW THE FUCK IS THAT POSSIBLE? What is wrong with me… I feel like the more I travel the more I have no fucking clue what I want to do with my life. I mean I know at some point this trip is going to end… or maybe it just won’t (I’m searching for a sugar daddy…lol jk I’m really not). Who knows… for now I should just worry about the present!!! Oh & for the record no I did not go home… I’m still traveling. It was the Sahara that fixed me & you’ll find out why on Tuesday.